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We need to talk (the overweight, annoying web)

We need to talk. You know we love you. I know it's hard to talk about it, but can we discuss your weight now? I saw it increase over the years, and I am worried you're not going to stop growing. It is not entirely your fault. It is the fault of the enablers, the feeders.

Let's talk about your weight, your attitude. You've become obese and annoying. Heck, when I want to surf you on my 2014 MacBook I'm better off disabling Javascript altogether.

I use you to quickly solve my problems and answer my questions. I don't need your fancy menu and your pointless loading screens. If I just want to look up an iced coffee recipe on a hot day, I don't want to wait for:

  • your unnecessarily high-res images of coffee;
  • tens of pop-ups to get me to sign up for your newsletter.
  • An animated navigation bar that turns my expensive iPad into a 20 year old Samsung tablet.
  • Fade-up-on-scroll animations that take 5 seconds to load and render the pageā€¦
  • bottomline, I don't want to waste 2MB JavaScript on my data-plan for your 8kb article!

I just want to know how to properly make iced coffee! It's hot outside!

Just help me solve my problem.

The internet is overweight and that's no good. Stop it. Stop cramming in more JavaScript than necessary.

Load the critical stuff first and then stop.